Scotland's Hate Crime and Public Order Act Explained

Hullo, WordJammers! Sergeant Etchasketch (he/him) here from Police Scotland. You'll have had your tea. Now, you may've heard that Scotland's Hate Crime and Public Order Act 2021 comes into force this week, and no doubt you'll have some questions as to what this means. Well, let me just clarify right off the bat this is not an attempt to curtail free speech. Supreme Lead- ah, First Minister Humza Yousaf has been very clear about that. Peace be upon Him. The object is to cut down on hate speech. Put simply, this is verbal, written or electronic communication liable to cause offence and/or incite hatred towards a particular group. 'Course, if you're wondering who decides what's offensive and what isn't, chances are you're the sort of person we'll be visiting very soon.

But let's assume for a moment you're not a straight, white male or J.K. Rowling and you'd like to play your part in helping stamp out hatred in Scotland. The best thing you can do is be vigilant. Take this tweet, for instance, that recently came to our attention:

Now, you may ask what's so hateful about that; after all, the wee las- ah, 'person with a vagina' who posted this is simply expressing an opinion. But this opinion may be triggering to someone who thinks people with tadgers should be allowed into women's spaces - like this stunning and brave person, for example:

As someone with protected characteristics, FemmeBoi would be well within their rights to report Emma if this tweet caused them offence. However, regardless of where you sit on the intersectional spectrum, it's your job as a responsible citizen to put the work in, too! If you hear anybody expressing problematic views, whether it's on social media, in the street or even in your own home, you must pass the details onto us without delay so we can nail the bastards. We may not always have grounds to pursue legal action, but we can put it down on their record as a Non-Crime Hate Incident, potentially hampering future employment prospects. That'll teach 'em for stepping outside the ever-shifting Overton Window. And don't worry about wasting our time with minor cases, either: now we've effectively downgraded theft, burglary and mugging from serious offences to misdemeanours that don't even warrant investigation, we've got ample time to look into hurt feelings and soothe bruised egos. 

'Course, this doesn't stop at public discourse. Oh, no! We've got the arts sewn up, as well. Imagine you're at the theatre watching a play - let's say, for argument's sake, Dennis Potter's Brimstone and Treacle - when you're confronted with a scene like this: 

© BBC

It doesn't matter in this case that the father character's sympathy for far-right politics is informed by the self-loathing and moral outrage he feels after his daughter has been left severely brain-damaged from a car accident, or that the young man - who it's strongly implied throughout the drama may actually be the Devil - plays on these anxieties as part of an elaborate psychological ruse to inveigle his way further into the household for his own ends: if you object to the use of words like 'paddy' and 'picaninnies', or seemingly favourable references to the National Front  and concentration camps, regardless of context, then it is your right - nay, your duty - to report the production to us so we can start rolling-out the prosecutions. Unfortunately at this time the new law doesn't allow us to exhume dead authors and place their carcasses on trial, but until then we'll just have to make do with comedians, actors and directors. Personally, I'd like to see wee stoater Kelly Macdonald get banged up the slammer, but not in the judicial sense.

So that's our new Hate Crime and Public Order Act in a nutshell. Now there are some bampots out there who think this legislation is not only poorly thought out but open to abuse - charges we at Police Scotland take very seriously. For anyone concerned about both the enforcement of this bill and the significant overreach it gives to officers of the law, I can only say whit the fuck ye oan aboot, Jim? Scotland's as free and healthy a country as any other to live right now. Unless you're a hater, in which case yer tea's oot, ye wee sleekit, timorous bawbags - an' this cunt's ready tae fuck some cunt.

Well, guid nicht all. And dinnae have nightmares...

WordJam Presents an Exciting New Investment Opportunity!

We all know the ongoing and deeply lamentable war in Ukraine could have been prevented if the United States hadn't insisted on pushing NATO further into Eastern Europe Russia wasn't governed by a paranoid gangster with a pathological hatred for democracy. But as C.S. Lewis once observed, "hardships often prepare people for an extraordinary destiny" - which neatly brings us on to the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project: an exciting, once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity brought to you exclusively by WordJam and our partner companies.

Put simply, the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project allows public and private investors outside Ukraine to participate in the country's post-war recovery and, in turn, claim a sizeable dividend from that reconstruction. Consider this bombed-out apartment block in Kiev, for example:

With your help, we could transform this building into a luxury condominium-cum-conference centre for visiting foreign dignitaries, international financiers, media executives and oligarchs: a development that will not only stand as a testament to Ukraine's new-found status as a beacon of capitalism, but also serve as a handy nest egg for western investors with expensive tastes and an aversion to getting out of bed for less than half a rock. And who knows? Perhaps that well-invested capital will yield surprisingly fruitful results when trying to convince representatives of supranational bodies that your vision of Ukraine's future trumps that of its elected officials - especially when they see the size of the swimming pool.

For those with a penchant for asset-stripping, however, there's Ukraine's agricultural market to consider. Home to roughly one-quarter of the world's Chernozem ("black earth"), a highly fertile soil, Ukraine is among the biggest producers of wheat, corn and sunflower meal on the planet. With millions of hectares of Ukraine's farmland already having been bought up by US and Western European agrobusinesses, you'd be a bloody fool not to get in on the action. By staking your claim to the lifeblood of Ukraine's economy, you too can reap the rewards of her vast agricultural wealth without even having to leave your home. The Ukrainian Rural Development Network can bleat all it likes about foreign investors and their oligarch beneficiaries marginalising smallholder farmers and severing them from their most valuable resource, but with Uncle Sam's help, the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project has a secret weapon up its sleeve to safeguard your assets:

Speaking of the U-S-of-A, by supporting the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project you can also do your bit to help the Land of the Free™ keep those pesky Russkies from threatening the territorial integrity of Western Europe. Investing in Ukraine's infrastructure won't just propel you into the top-tier of venture capitalists, it'll also grant you considerable weight in ensuring the country's security arrangements - and what better way to protect your interests than lobbying for NATO membership and the chance to point a few of these bad boys at the Kremlin:

Of course, weaponry is nothing without the manpower to back it up, and given the current death toll on the frontlines it's unlikely there'll be much of a fighting force left when post-war reconstruction starts. To this end, you might want to consider using your influence to transform educational establishments into a training ground for the next generation of cannon fodder. Through your efforts, we can say goodbye to traditional teaching environments like this-

-and usher in an exciting new era of military academies where young conscripts will be taught the basics of warfare, from polishing boots and making beds to learning how to shoot prisoners of war in the kneecap and still make them talk. Just look at these two budding Coлдатів, all tooled-up and ready to go:

You've got to admit that's heart-warming, especially when you remember they're heading straight for the meat-grinder to defend your stake in their country's economy. That's how much they believe in Ukraine's future - and if they don't, the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project can damn well make them.

* * *

So now you've had a glimpse at some of the exciting possibilities that await you investing in Ukraine's post-war recovery, why delay? It doesn't matter if you're a first-time financier or a seasoned venture capitalist, simply follow this link and in no time at all you could be doing your bit to strengthen Ukraine's market economy, reform state-owned enterprise, cement Euro-Atlantic integration and help yourself to a great big slice of the pie.

All investors will receive a shares certificate hastily signed by my secretary during her lunch hour: 

And in due course, a great wodge of this:

So don't delay: invest in the Ukrainian Redevelopment Project today!

This offer brought to you by:

In association with:

[Disclaimer: WordJam bears no responsibility for the loss of any monies received, either as a result of theft, embezzlement, poor financial advice or the outbreak of nuclear war. Investors are reminded that nobody made them sink their hard-earned money into such an amoral, risky and barely legal enterprise, so don't bitch to us about fraudulent practice when all you're left with is a gaping hole in your bank balance and a glorified receipt with your name on it.]

WordJam Extreme Clickbait: 10 Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know About Taylor Swift

She's been tipped as a potential kingmaker in the 2024 US presidential election, but how much do you really know about diminutive warbler and eminent trouser snake charmer Taylor Swift? Is she really part of a deep-state psy-op to keep the Democrats in power, or just another multi-platinum-selling pop artist from the same battery farm as all the other bland, uninspiring acts clogging up the Billboard Hot 100 these days? Well, WordJam's been doing some digging and we've discovered some truly unbelievable facts about everyone's favourite stockbroker's daughter and Dolly Parton wannabe. So sit back, untense those jaw muscles and prepare yourselves for a deep dive into one of modern culture's most enigmatic figures. Who knows, perhaps the next time you're on WhatsApp, Snapchat, or whatever the fuck it is you young people insist on using as a substitute for face-to-face conversation nowadays, you could try dropping some of these truth bombs in a desperate attempt to impress your electronic non-friends? Or not. It's your choice: I'm only doing this for the clicks, frankly.

* * *

1. She owns a Doberman Pinscher called Kissinger

Everyone knows Taylor Swift loves cats, but did you know her most faithful companion is a snarling, snaggle-toothed mutt named after the late US National Security Advisor, Secretary of State and unconvicted war criminal Henry Kissinger? Residents near Swift's $18 million Rhode Island home claim the pint-sized poppet uses the word "Cambodia" as an instruction for the crazed canine to attack unwanted visitors, and there are even reports that human bones have been found littered around the 12,000 square foot estate. However, sources close to the singer maintain the psychotic pooch is a real sweetheart when you get to know him. "If you rub his belly just right you've got a friend for life," one told WordJam, "although you still have to count your fingers afterwards".

2. She can hold nine billiard balls in her mouth

From eating and breathing to performing desperate sex acts as a rent substitute, our mouths perform many mundane but essential functions - but did you know that Taylor Swift can hold up to nine regular-sized pool balls in her ruby-lipped cakehole? It's not known for certain how the singer discovered she had this ability, but it's believed she may have acquired it by chance during an early gig at the Bluebird Café in Nashville when an angry punter upset the pool table in response to the blonde songbird performing a countryfied version of Deep Purple's "Space Truckin'". "Everyone froze when them balls went flyin'," recalls Blind Willie McTadger, a regular at the Bluebird, "but then she opened her mouth and, dang boy, she welcomed 'em in like a Vietnamese hooker in the blowbang season!"

3. Her favourite movie is Russ Meyer's Supervixens

Given her squeaky clean, girl next door image, it's hard to believe that Taylor Swift's cinema tastes extend to anything beyond PG-13 rated rom-coms and family-friendly Pixar movies, so it may come as a surprise that her favourite flicks come from the rib-tickling, bra-busting, crotch-popping mind of self-styled "rural Fellini" Russ Meyer. According to Dr. Sheldon Shillberger, psychologist to the stars, Swift's fascination with the director could be rooted in Meyer's world-view. "His films revolve around prefab-dwelling, blue-collar Joes whose lives play out against a backdrop of scrapyards, economy supermarkets and comically buxom women. Now, on the surface, this may have nothing in common with the Weltanschauung depicted in Taylor Swift's work, but give me some more green and I'll make it fit any way you want..."

4. She drives a 1982 model Volvo 240 Turbo Wagon

We all know celebrities ride around in chauffeur-driven stretch limos with tinted windows and a hospitality section in the passenger compartment, right? Well, there's at least one short-arsed starlet who prefers a more low-rent alternative to the neo-pimpmobiles of the jet set - Taylor Swift! It's said the singer fell in love with the 1982 model Volvo 240 when, as a child in Pennsylvania, she saw one being towed away to the local dump. "It was a real Damascene moment," her elementary teacher Judith Etchasketch tells WordJam. "She didn't know how or why, but she just knew she wanted one. There was something about that Bosch LH-Jetronic fuel injection system with 127hp that really captured her imagination. When I heard the song "Highway Don't Care" for the first time I thought, 'Oh Lord, she's still thinking about that fucking car.'"

5. She once beat cosmic horror Cthulhu in an arm wrestling contest

Evil from the dawn of time poses no threat to Taylor Swift, as the Dark Lord of Chaos Cthulhu discovered when the petite but perfectly formed pop star challenged him to an arm wrestle. "We were getting pissed one night in this little place in Tribeca when Swift walks in with her entourage," Cthulhu's brother Hastur the Unspeakable explains. "Well, this gets right up Thuly's nose as he doesn't go in for any of that hoity-toity celeb bollocks. Anyway, he starts mouthing off at her - 'Light though thou be thou leapest out of darkness, but I am the darkness, bi-atch'; you know the sort of thing - when she holds out her arm and says, 'Flipper me, bro.' So he looks at me and winks, and the next thing I know he's flying through the window with an almighty scream that pierces all creation like a very loud thing. He felt a right twat, I can tell you."

6. She carries a framed photograph of former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson with her when on tour

Despite international stardom, overwhelming critical acclaim and a personal fortune that would put the Romanovs to shame, Taylor Swift still looks to her childhood hero Harold Wilson for inspiration. Sources close to the singer told WordJam that before she goes on stage she likes to sit in her dressing room wearing a Gannex raincoat and smoking a pipe, repeating the ancient mantra "Ee, by gum!" into the mirror in her best Yorkshire accent. "It's, like, really unnerving," says make-up artist Irwin Irkstrom, "but it's also kinda cute in a way. I had a similar thing for Gerald Ford when I was a kid, so I get it. He was, like, just a total hottie with those wiry eyebrows, plump jowls and thinning, uncombed hair - and Wilson had all those things too. I guess when it comes to personal style some things never go out of fashion." 

7. Her singing voice is controlled by a complex system of pulleys and levers

You'd be forgiven for thinking it takes years of training to develop a distinctive vocal style like Taylor Swift's, but what you may not know is that her voice is actually assisted by a vast network of pulleys, levers, hinges and fulcra to generate the shrill, caterwauling sound we all enjoy on record and at her live concerts. Despite this being an open secret in the music industry, the pouty poplette is understandably cagey about letting this information into the public domain - hence the cunning deployment of designer dresses and legions of backing dancers at her shows, all working in perfect harmony to help distract from the hideous mass of weathered metal and frayed ropes jutting out through her mouth and burrowing deep into her lungs. If you look closely, though, you just might be able to spot them in publicity stills. 

8. Her biggest hit "Shake It Off" was inspired by Monty Python's "Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink" sketch

"Shake It Off" may have heralded a new pop-orientated direction for Swift away from her earlier country-style, but did you know that its ballsy message dismissing her nay-sayers and critics was inspired by Eric Idle's pub bore making sleazy insinuations about city gent Terry Jones' wife in Monty Python's Flying Circus? "It's there in every 'mm-mm', every 'Yeah oh-oh, oh,'" explains Sir Siegfried Götterdämmerung,  Regius Professor in Lyricology at the University of Wisbech. "These interjections may sound like doggerel designed to accentuate the scansion of the verse, but they serve the same post-semantic function as Mr. Idle's repetition of 'eh?', ''like it' and 'very good' in breaking down Aristotelian-Euclidean-Newtonian structures of language to arrive at a startling new form of communication existing purely in the libidinous abstract. It's just a pity Ms. Swift couldn't work in a reference to her knickers somewhere."

9. She's not related to Mr. T

Ever since Taylor Swift first arrived on the music scene, there's been considerable media speculation that she and legendary A-Team star Mr. T are somehow related: an entirely understandable assumption given their startling physical resemblance. After exhaustive research, however, WordJam can now exclusively reveal that the two megastars have no familial connection whatsoever. Despite this, if the Creed franchise continues into a fourth instalment and rumours about bringing back Mr. T as Clubber Lang prove accurate, we hope the filmmakers will exploit their extraordinary similarity by signing up Swift as Lang's daughter to face-off against Adonis Viktor Drago-style. After all, if radical gender theory has taught us anything it's that there are absolutely no physiological differences between the sexes, making the prospect of Michael B. Jordan going toe-to-toe with the princess of pop an enticingly real possibility. 

10. She discovered a lost prehistoric world in South America

From King Kong to the Barbie movie, our culture is awash with tales of lost worlds populated by unreasoning monsters from the distant past - but did you know Taylor Swift has actually visited such a place? "It was on her last tour of South America," explains Swift's personal bodyguard and gun-enthusiast John Roxton. "Her private jet went down off the mouth of the Amazon, carrying me, Eddie [Malone - Swift's publicist], George [Challenger - her personal trainer] and Taylor to a mysterious, undiscovered island with its own ecosphere. While there we observed the prehistoric wildlife, catalogued all sorts of hitherto unknown botanical and entomological species, and got caught up in a war with the indigenous people from one side of the island and these hideous, cannibalistic ape-men from the other. It was real shit your pants stuff and no mistake, but Taylor's calm head and cool demeanour carried us through. When we got back to civilisation, Taylor brought a pterodactyl with her to prove our amazing adventure to the world's press, but there was no mention of it in the papers or on TV. Ah well - haters gonna hate, I suppose..."

WordJam: Tomorrow's Fake News Today!

As you were.

WordJam Message Board: Special Discussion

Today's Topic: What did you think of Tucker Carlson's interview with Vladimir Putin?

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 18:01

I didnt like it. Evry time Puttin sed some thin ther was this weird voice talkin over him an I cudnt make out what he was sayin

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:02

That was the translation, moron.

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 18:03

Oh rite

MemeKing - February 10, 18:04

Tucker be like:

SonOfArchieBunker - February 10, 18:06

The best part's been watching the full-on meltdown by the military-industrial MSM. Who knew they hated the truth so much?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 18:07

@SonOfArchieBunker: It's one thing to say this interview told the truth, but it's another thing to say that it didn't.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:08

@TruthTeller1981: ...Well, you can't argue with that.

NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess - February 10, 18:09

I wasn't taken in by Putin's lies for one second. There was no written agreement preventing NATO from expanding into Eastern Europe, and yet Tucker let him repeat that lie over and over without correcting him. Let yourselves be tricked by Russian misinformation all you like, but I'm not giving one inch to that evil, bloodthirsty dictator.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:10

@NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess: Putin does say in the interview it was a verbal rather than written agreement. And this is backed up in the NSA archives in transcripts of conversations between Gorbachev and James Baker, Douglas Hurd, François Mitterrand and Helmut Kohl, among others.

NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess - February 10, 18:12

@RamaswarmyRulez: My mistake. Fair play to him.

RainbowPrincess456 - February 10, 18:17

What did I think? Uhm... MALE, PALE and STALE!!! 😠😠😠 The war in Ukraine started because of privileged, cishet whyte men like Putin and Tucker Carlson, and it'll only end when Global Majority 2SLGBTQIA+ womxn of all genders are allowed into the conference chambers of the world to sort this mess out!!! 🌈🦄💗 #TheFutureIsQueer

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:18

@RainbowPrincess456: You can type that shit but you sure can't read it.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:20

It was the interview of the decade: a real journalist in front of a real statesman discussing why we're in the mess we're in. Go Tucker!

KarenKilla - February 10, 18:22

@MAGA1776: Tucker's just jealous Orange Man's been taking it in the ass from Sweet Daddy Putin and he wanted in on the action. Get in line, MAGAt...

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:24

@KarenKilla: From what I heard it was just Tucker throwing softball questions and letting Vlad drone on about Russian history and make out he's a victim. It takes a special kind of idiot to think this is journalism.

KarenKilla - February 10, 18:25

@Biden2024: I know. I SAW it. And I didn't say it was journalism. Why don't you try reading what I actually said instead of twisting it and making assumptions, you misogynist piece of white shit.

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:26

@KarenKilla: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I was just building on what you said. I meant idiots like @MAGA1776.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:27

@Biden2024: Fuck you, retard.

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:28

@MAGA1776: I know you are but what am I?

MelGibsonIsGod - February 10, 18:33

I was moved to hear Putin discuss his faith so openly and honestly. When he said about Russia and Ukraine becoming one again with each other through the soul (our most precious gift from The Heavenly Father Our Creator) my heart melted. As a fellow Catholic I totally agree with him that it is love and shared spiritual values which build bridges not politics and ideology.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:35

@MelGibsonIsGod: He's not Catholic, he's Russian Orthodox.

MelGibsonIsGod - February 10, 18:36

@RamaswamyRulez: Then he can burn in hell for all I care.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:38

@Biden2024: Are we to infer you didn't watch it, then?

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:40

@RussiaBot1917: I don't need to to know it's just a propaganda exercise. Just by interviewing Putin Tucker's shown what a useful idiot he is and where his true allegiances lie. His citizenship should be revoked IMMEDIATELY.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:42

@Biden2024: And those other journalists who claim to have been queuing up to interview Putin since the war began (CNN's Christiane Amanpour, the BBC's Steve Rosenberg, Politico's Heidi Pryzbyla, etc) - are they all traitors too? Or is it just journalists of a certain stripe?

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:43

@RamaswamyRulez: Nice whataboutism, SHAMaswarmy boy.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:44

@Biden2024: Whataboutism or highlighting the flaw in your 'argument'? 🤔

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:46

@RamaswamyRulez: He platformed an anti-democratic, authoritarian strongman. There is no argument.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:47

@ Biden2024: "There is no argument" - you said it 😜

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:50

@Biden2024: You mean like Erin Burnett from CNN when she interviewed Zelensky? The not-at-all anti-democratic, authoritarian strongman who banned an entire religious denomination, suspended elections, imprisoned political opponents and dresses like Action Man circa. 1982?

Biden2024 - February 10, 19:01

@MAGA1776: Fuck you, retard.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 19:02

@Biden2024: I know you are but what am I?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 19:05

We're just going round in circles talking about this interview when the most important point hasn't even been raised yet.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:06

Which is?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 19:07

I don't know, it hasn't been raised yet.

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - February 10, 19:09

The most important point is that (((Zelensky))) is just a spokesman for his (((paymasters))) in (((Washington))).

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:10

@WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11: Let me guess, the dome on top of the Capitol Building gives it away?

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - February 10, 19:11

@RussiaBot1917: You got it...

BLM4EVA1865 - February 10, 19:13

@WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11: From sea to shining sea, the USA will be free... ✊

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:14

Dear God.

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 19:18

My mom ses Rusha shud send a jurnalist to inter view Pressident Biden for too hours. THen we wud see who really knows what s goin on

Exclusive New Offer from WordJam: the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

We all know January 6, 2021 was the darkest day in world history: more earth-shattering than the day Hitler was born and Bud Light ended its sponsorship deal with Dylan Mulvaney combined. But you know, when terrible, life-changing events happen people need something to cling to. Something that gives them clarity and meaning - or better still, a chance to keep grinding the axe of bitterness and resentment that keeps this grand old world of ours spinning. That's why WordJam, in conjunction with the New York Times Printing Company and the Guardian Media Group, is delighted to present the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

For a mere $59⁹.99, you too can own this fine memento of that fateful day three years ago when a violent, hate-fuelled insurrectionist sat in Nancy Pelosi's chair while some guy dressed like a Viking wandered pointlessly around the corridors of power taking selfies next to busts of long-dead Congressmen. Each coin is made from the finest oxidized alumina and bears the Latin inscription 'Peius Quam IX/XX, Excretorum in Pearl Harbor' ("Worse Than 9/11, Shits on Pearl Harbor") and is lovingly hand-painted to vaguely resemble the Stars and Stripes, recognized by every self-respecting American as a colonialist symbol.

But don't take our word for it! Check out these endorsements from some of our satisfied customers:

So don't delay! Dial 07771622582 now to order your very own January 6 Commemorative Coin, and you too can unhealthily relive The Day Democracy Nearly Died™ over and over and over again!

[Calls cost $500 from a landline. Mobile charges will be considerably higher and may require you to remortgage your house. By using this service you agree to receive promotional literature for the Democrats, mandatory Covid vaccinations for your children and regular screening of all electronic messages and transactions by the National Security Agency. Failure to comply with terms and conditions of purchase will automatically lead to imprisonment, where you'll be shanked in your cell by a government agent posing as a Puerto Rican child molester.]

New Year, New WordJam: Prodigal Son Edition

Well, folks, here we are in the futuristic space-year 2024: a date that - if cinematic masterpieces such as Highlander II, A Boy and His Dog and Beyond the Time Barrier are to be believed - spells catastrophe for the human race. Indeed, as we look to ongoing events in the Middle East and Eastern Europe, not to mention socio-political/cultural tensions in the Western world, it's hard to shake the feeling there's a dark canopy of storm clouds gathering overhead, ready to rain down in a biblical, cataclysmic fury. But on the plus side, WordJam's back, baby! And let me tell you, it's been quite a year behind the scenes. The six months I spent as Julian Assange's cell-mate in Belmarsh was pretty tough, but that was a walk in the park next to my disastrous, but thankfully short-lived, marriage to Amber Heard. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll never be able to hear the expression "shit-hot in bed" again without thinking of that tumultuous time.

Leaving aside my extraordinary and truly beguiling adventures, however, it's easy to assume a hyper-successful and internationally renowned blog like WordJam is all the work of one man, a laptop and a shitload of coffee, but nothing could be further from the truth. So to mark the no doubt soon to be short-lived air of bonhomie and euphoria accompanying WordJam's reactivation, I thought it would be a neat idea to 'lift the kimono' on how this blog is put together and the team responsible for making it happen. But before we do, let's just have a brief recap of WordJam's history.

Long-standing readers will know I inherited WordJam from my father, a man of great insight and sophistication who recognised there was a need for hard-hitting satirical commentary in an otherwise dull and politically homogenous blogosphere. Indeed, his early posts were marked by a singular wit matched only by their erudition and candour:

It was an instant success, garnering literally tens of hits every month. Over time the style changed, the baroque aspects of presentation and content giving way to an arguably more nuanced and subtle approach:

As the years went by, though, my father started to lose interest. What began as a perceptive, perhaps even cutting-edge endeavour gave way to a softer, more apathetic tone that just didn't engage the reader as it once did:

It was at this point I was asked to take the reins. It was daunting following in the footsteps of such greatness, so for the first few years of my tenure I adopted a stark, stripped back approach to distinguish this new iteration of WordJam from its predecessor:

Sadly, this proved unpopular with the readership and the web traffic ground to a deafening halt. Another radical overhaul was called for, one that required both an acute understanding of online trends and the knowledge of how to exploit them. With a slight shift in focus, the rebranded WordJam managed to penetrate the blogosphere in a way I could never have imagined:

Naturally, when the time was right and the clicks were in their hundreds of thousands, WordJam moved back to its original brand model, once again taking its place as the foremost purveyor of intelligent, articulate and, above all, sophisticated commentary in the online world today:

Of course, when my father started WordJam it was very much a one-man operation. These days, however, it takes a crack team of researchers, designers and programmers to help bring to life the erratically posted content enjoyed by readers all round the world. It begins with my personal secretary Linda, who alerts me to developing news stories and emerging cultural trends.

Linda, working hard. Playing hard not pictured.

Once she's persuaded me of the validity of pursuing a story, a crack team of researchers is assigned to explore the many different facets and perspectives that can be addressed. This is a very intensive process, but as time is of the essence and any overtime is automatically docked from their monthly salaries, they usually come up with something within about twenty minutes. At this point, I'm now ready to start work on the article. All writers have their own working methods; some enjoy the seclusion of an office to practice their craft, others prefer to position themselves in a social environment - a café or on public transport, for example - and channel that atmosphere into their work. For me, there's no better place to exercise my gift than down at the Station Gates pub by the local gas works.

Call me sentimental if you will, but there's something about the combination of cheap booze, rough company and the prospect of a fight breaking out that really focuses the mind and gets those creative juices flowing. Plus, every now and then you'll hear the odd witty retort, caustic remark or radical fringe theory that's just crying out to be enshrined forever within the electronic media landscape. As the old saying goes, "talent borrows, genius steals" - and I've lived my life by that rule. Besides, it saves me having to fork out on staff writers.

Within a few days, I have something down on paper. In traditional writing circles this is called a 'first draft', but as I've always been an adherent of Jack Kerouac's maxim 'first thought, best thought', I prefer to think of it as a monumental piece of prose whose brilliance shines through in every vowel, consonant, comma and full stop. Satisfied with the quality of my work, I hand it over to Linda for transcription, who in turn sends it on to the programming department for uploading onto the etherweb. This a highly complex process that I can't pretend to understand myself, but I've been very fortunate in procuring the services of Dr. Danny Glover (Oxon) and Prof. Olivia Newton-John (Cantab) to assist me in this area. Older readers will instantly recognise their names as the Gold Medal recipients at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles who represented Great Britain in the three-legged race . That's the wonderful thing about working in a team: everyone has something unique to bring to the table.

Dr. Glover and Prof. Newton-John, preparing my words to go viral.

After some careful formatting, aligning, processing and digital compositing, WordJam's latest missive to the world is ready to go online! There's always a slight frisson of anxiety at this moment, but when the atomic clock reaches zero and our labour of love hits the web, all nerves are dispelled quicker than a passing thought, leaving everyone here at WordJam with a sense of pride that we've added something worthwhile to the vast store of human knowledge. 

...And that, dear readers, is the story of WordJam! If you'd like to know more, you can always pick up a copy of Beautiful Desolation: the definitive history of this blog, published by Dead Penguin Books (RRP. £12.99), available through all good stockists and online retailers. Oh, and not that it's a big deal - hardly worth mentioning, really - but it's soon to be made into a major motion picture starring Jesse Eisenberg as yours truly (not my choice). Just... throwing that out there.

Anyway, I hope this has been of some interest. All that remains is to wish you all a very happy new year and thank you for your continued support - particularly those readers who stuck with me doggedly throughout the partially lost year that was 2023. But now as we head into 2024, if you're looking for Juvenalian satire, snarky commentary, ludicrous self-aggrandisement and perhaps even the odd joke or two, make sure you stay tuned to WordJam: The Greatest Blog on the Etherweb™. As always, though, don't take my word for it - check out these high-profile endorsements:

Piers Morgan:

"Richard English? He's talking out of his arse most of the time."

Britney Spears:

"Whoever writes this shit is plain screwy, if you ask me."

Matt Walsh:

"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's grouchy people who moan for a living"

Sonny Hostin:

"Stop complaining, you ghoulish, entitled bastard."

...Onwards, folks!